Stand Still, Look Pretty
by everythingaddison
Summary: Bree Van de Kamp was always there to help her friends when things got rough, but who will be there for her when things take a turn for the worst? Trigger warning for self harm content.
1. Chapter 1

Hi everyone! So I wasn't planning to write a fanfic about anything quite like this one, just in light of recent events - meaning life - I needed somewhere to get down all of the emotion I'd been feeling so this is it! The content/theme is a bit of a weird one... I've read one other DH one about an issue quite like this, so it's not a popular topic to write about but oh well. _C'est la vie !_

I don't know quite how long I'm going to make this yet or really what's gonna happen, so just bear with me.

There's a trigger warning on this so read at your own risk. And it's rated T for the content (non-sexual, though)

This first paragraph was just me rambling on and on but I think it works!

I hope you really enjoy this and leave a review!

* * *

Bree Van de Kamp had just finished shaving her legs and had her razor in her hand. She looked at it, carefully, as if examining it. She broke apart the top part and removed the long, thin, sharp metal blade from within it. She twiddled it around in her fingers for a couple of minutes. Her heart was pounding in her chest as she worked up the nerve to do what she wanted to. She thought of the phone call she had received a mere 12 hours ago from her ex-husband, Orson. He'd implied by saying that that was the last time she'd ever hear from him that he was going to end his life, and Bree blamed herself for that. If she'd never had that affair with Karl, they all wouldn't have been in that house when the plane crashed, and Orson wouldn't have wound up paralysed and despised her, and created his obsession with her, and her actions out in the woods when he'd seen because of his obsession. If she hadn't done any of that, they'd both still be happy, and _alive._ Bree griped the razor blade tight in her fist and almost dropped it as the sharp corners had dug into her palm. She went back to holding it with her fingertips. Her heart was pounding as she decided to go through with her 'plan'. She made one small cut midway up her left forearm. She winced at the sudden rush of pain, but within seconds it was gone. She found herself longing for more, the sense of pain that she felt with her act numbed the emotional pain she was feeling in her life. She had been sitting in the bath tub at the time, and half an hour later she still remained where she was, the water had turned cold and she had quite a few sore, red marks on her forearm, the water was also a light shade of red, just light enough that she could still her her hand underneath the 15 inch deep water. She'd confined her impulse to her left arm, but with the sudden and overpowering addiction to the pain, she'd winded up with 27 roughly 2 cm long crimson gashes on her arm. She looked down at her arm and she realised what it was she had actually just done. Her face crumpled as she fought back the tears, she knew she was alone but for the sake of her emotional state, she didn't want to cry.

She realised that the time was now 9:46 AM and that she had brunch at Lynette's house at 11:00 AM and she needed to get ready, so she pulled out the plug that was keeping the blood stained water in sight and she stood up, she ran the shower quickly to rinse off the blood from her skin and then went off to her bedroom to get dressed.

* * *

"Bree!" Lynette welcomed as she opened the door to her red headed best friend.

"Lynette, hi!" Bree replied, plastering her usual fake smile on her face.

"Come on in! We're all here, we're just chatting." She smiled pleasantly as she entered her friend's house and took a seat at her friend's dining table. The five of them - Bree, Lynette, Gaby, Susan and Renee - sat at Lynette's table for a good hour gossiping about various neighbourhood gossip before Lynette decided that it was probably time to eat. Lynette got up and received the plates of food that Tom had just dished up and headed for her front door.

"Lynette? Where are you going?" Renee asked.

"Oh! Sorry, I thought I'd told you guys." Lynette said, laughing. "It's a beautiful day, so I thought we could eat on the porch." The girls all agreed that it was a good idea and began helping to take out various items of food. Bree tugged on her sleeves to hide the marks on her arm. It was 82 degrees outside and she was already breaking into a light sweat. But like the others, she picked up two plates of food and took them outside.

* * *

They all took a various selection of the food items that were on offer and began eating whilst continuing their earlier gossiping session.

"God, it's so hot out here!" Gaby exclaimed, looking out onto the lane and then back at the girls.

"I know right!" Renee agreed. "Hey, Bree," Bree looked up from her plate to Renee's face.

"Yeah?" She asked. Wondering what Renee wanted.

"It's what, 81, 82 degrees out here, how are you wearing that sweater?" At that moment, all 4 of the other girls turned to face Bree, waiting to hear her answer.

"I, uh, I guess I just don't feel the heat like you all do." She replied.

"That's not true," Susan said laughing - in a joking manner, "you're always the first one of us to comment on how hot it is, you're always the one without a cardigan or a sweater on." Bree had think of a decent and believable lie, and quickly.

"I, uh, I guess you're right, actually." She replied, laughing. "I'm sorry girls, I'll be right back, I need to use the bathroom." She said, she got up rather hastily and made her way inside and up the stairs to the bathroom. She didn't even bother locking the door, she just walked over to the sink and gripped onto the sides as she took a few deep breaths to calm herself down. Her arm was stinging and she began thinking that her friends would notice. She rolled up her sleeve to reveal her recently mutilated arm. She ran the tap and ran her arm underneath it, the mix of the cold water and the overheated puffy skin created a nice and somewhat peaceful moment. She felt a lump form in her throat as the realisation of what she had done earlier sunk in. She failed to choke back the sob that escaped from her throat. She clasped her right hand over her mouth in fear that more would escape and someone in the house would hear.

Unluckily for her, Renee had come up looking for the redhead as thought needed by the other girls when she'd disappeared for almost 10 minutes. Renee had just reached the top of the stairs when she heard Bree's single sob coming from down the hall.

Bree had kept her hand over her mouth but she still couldn't prevent the small sobs from escaping her. Upon hearing the first sob, Renee had walked towards the bathroom and had pressed her ear up against the door. She could just hear Bree's muffled sobs through the wooden door and decided that after the last time Bree had locked herself in a room she was about to try and kill herself, she decided to intervene.

Bree had moved to a position on the floor between the sink and the bathtub. She had her face pressed tightly into her body with her knees up and she faced the wall. She had her arms over her head pulling her head down onto her knees. She was still sobbing and she knew that she couldn't stay there forever but for now, she was too much of a mess to go back outside and face her friends. She was sobbing so much now, that she didn't even hear Renee at the door.

"Bree?" Renee had called out. "Are you in there?" She knew that answer but by asking, she would have given Bree a few extra seconds to compose herself. But as she received no answer and could hear the sobs, she yelled out, "I'm coming in, Bree." She twisted the doorknob and was surprised to find that the door swung open. Upon her first glance, Renee didn't see Bree, it was thanks to the sound of her cries that Renee looked down and saw her friend curled up so tightly in a ball with her back towards her. If it wasn't for her red hair, she would never have known that woman was Bree. Bree had realised by the sudden blast of cooler air made by the door swinging open that someone else was there, but she was in too much of a state to look up and see who it was so she buried her head further down and as much as she tried to contain her sobs, they came even harder than before. Bree didn't realise how much emotion she had built up inside of her until then.

Renee was taken aback by the scene in front of her, just as she was that night when she found Bree in that motel room with her gun. She reacted quickly though, she knelt down beside Bree and placed a supportive hand on her back. Bree jumped upon feeling the touch of Renee's hand but was way too embarrassed, humiliated and distraught to turn around and face her. Renee could feel Bree trembling viciously underneath her touch. She rubbed her hand on her back and could feel every crushing tremble and shudder that the sobs caused her to endure.

* * *

Downstairs the remaining three women wondered as to where the other two could have got to.

"Well, we sent Renee, so if she's not back it must mean that she's with Bree and has everything under control." Gaby said, sipping her soda. Lynette looked at her watch.

"It's been 15 minutes since Bree left, unless she's died or something, she should be back by now." Lynette said, getting a small laugh out of both Gaby and Susan. "I'll just go check to see what's up, see if there's something they need." Lynette said.

"God, Lynette, you're making it sound like they're, you know." She said with a grin.

"Gaby!" Susan scolded before laughing herself.

"I'll be back in a sec." Lynette said, laughing.

From walking to the base of the staircase, Lynette could hear muffled sobs and soothing words coming from upstairs. This confused her, so she climbed up the staircase and made her way to the bathroom. She peered her head around the door frame and saw Renee with her back leant up against the bathtub, with her right arm creating soothing circles on Bree's back. Bree was almost completely hidden from Lynette's view, but the glimpse Lynette had caught of Bree's red hair had confirmed that the woman so tightly curled up and sobbing was in fact Bree. Renee noticed Lynette's presence at the door. Lynette's eyes were filled with pity and concern. She raised her right arm up and signalled a thumbs up and a thumbs down. Renee replied with a mix of both thumbs. Lynette knew that this was a _we're fine here, please leave because she's embarrassed enough_ signal and closed the door and left.

"Well?" Susan asked as Lynette returned to the patio.

"I think…" Lynette started, "I think Bree has had some kind of emotional breakdown and um… Yeah…" Susan and Gaby's eyes grew with concern.

"Well, is she okay? Or…" Gaby asked, not really knowing how to phrase the question.

"She's tucked up extremely tightly in a ball mostly hidden from view in my bathroom sobbing her eyes out… But Renee's with her."

* * *

About a minute after Lynette had returned downstairs Bree's sobs finally began to slow down. Renee kept rubbing soothing circles on her back until she'd stopped crying completely. She was still trembling slightly.

"Hey, Bree." Renee said, gently. Hoping to coax something out of her extremely emotionally fragile best friend. Bree tightened her grip with her arms over her head - making sure that she kept a hold of the sleeve that was covering her cuts - signalling that she didn't want to talk.

"Okay, Bree, I get that you don't want to talk about your _issues_. It's just who you are. But you left the brunch and hid out in your friend's bathroom and had what can only be described as an emotional breakdown. Your friends are still all downstairs and I'm here with you. You don't have much of a defence against not sharing the reasons why we're here right now." Renee said. Bree still didn't say anything. Renee sighed. "Okay, I'm going to go and get you a glass of water to replace all the fluids you've just lost. I'll be back in a minute."

* * *

Renee made her way down the stairs and into the kitchen. She reached into the cupboard above the counter and retrieved a glass and began filling it with water. As she turned around to return to upstairs, she looked at the window where Gaby, Lynette and Susan were all looking in. Lynette pointed towards the general direction of upstairs and Renee just shrugged her shoulders, because she really had no clue as to what was going on with Bree.

* * *

Bree had moved from being so tightly tucked up to a slightly more comfortable looking position. Her back remained against the sink and her legs remained bent but were stretched out a little further. Her head remained on her knees. But Renee as she walked back in realised that this was an inch of progress, a minute amount of progress, but at least it was some. Renee held out the glass of water to her friend, who didn't take it.

"Okay, but you do need to drink it." Renee said. "I'll put it down here and you can drink it when you like." She placed the glass down, just 15 cm away from Bree. Bree swung her hair around so if she lifted her head, the left side of it would be hidden from Renee's view. She sat up ever so slightly and retrieved the glass with her left hand. She quickly switched hands so she could continue pulling down on her left sleeve. But, unluckily for Bree, her sleeve had rolled down ever so slightly as she switched the glass from one hand to the other. As she took a few sips of the water with her right hand holding the glass, she placed her left hand down on the floor to steady herself. Renee saw this as the best opportunity to see what was on her forearms. Bree placed the glass on the floor underneath her legs with her right hand, and as soon as she'd done that, Renee rolled up Bree's blue sweater sleeve to reveal some of her cuts. Bree immediately wriggled her arm out of Renee's grasp and held it tightly to her chest and pulled her legs up closer to her chest once again. Renee sighed, she knew that the inch of the wall she'd managed to allow Bree to take down was once again being rebuilt.

"Look, Bree... " Renee started. "I just saw some red marks on your arm and I wanted to know what they were, but judging by the quick look I got and your haste to hide your arm, I'm thinking that you did this to yourself." Bree tucked her legs in even tighter to her chest as she willed herself not to start crying once again. She knew how pathetic she must already look to Renee, how her childish reluctance prevented her from just either talking to Renee or walking out of the Scavo house and walking back to her home. "Did you do this to yourself?" Renee asked, her voice was filled with concern. After a few moments hesitation, Bree nodded. Renee's heart broke for Bree. "Oh sweetie. I'm sorry."

"You don't need to be sorry. It's all my fault. I deserve this." Bree said, her voice hoarse from crying.

"Oh honey, but I do. I didn't see that you were in all this pain still. I didn't stop you from doing this to yourself." Renee said, once again rubbing her hand on Bree's back in soothing circular motions. Bree shook her head.

"There's nothing you could have done, Renee." Bree said. "When my mind's made up, then there's no changing it." Bree admitted sadly. "I'm just happy that you're here now. I'd have found it hard to put up with all of that emotion." Bree's voice was just one of many indicators to Renee that there was so much more going on. Her voice was flat, and her body language was not what is usually was, and by her words Renee could tell Bree was just not herself at all.

"Bree, what's really going on?" You're obviously not with it at all, your demeanour, and your actions, and _this…_ It's just not you, and me and the other girls are consumed with worry and we just don't know how to help you because you won't tell us what's wrong. So I guess what I'm saying is, please tell us what's going on." Bree hadn't looked up once during this whole ordeal but after Renee's last sentence, she looked up at her, looked right into her eyes - which were consumed with concern - and broke down crying once again.


	2. Chapter 2

"So, what was up with Bree?" Lynette asked, looking at Renee. She, Renee, Susan and Gaby were sipping their early morning coffees the day after the whole ordeal with Bree.

"If I knew, I'd respect her privacy and probably not tell you guys, but I honestly do not know." Renee said, sighing. But Susan could see in her eyes that there was something she was keeping from them.

"Renee." She said, bluntly.

"What?!" Renee replied.

"You may not know exactly what happened but you do know _something_." Susan said. After that comment, all 3 of the girls turned to face Renee, waiting for an answer. Renee looked back and forth between the three of them.

"Fine, yes. There is something, I think it was, or is, a by-product of whatever it is that's been going on. Which, to be clear, I don't know. I couldn't get it out of her."

"Just tell us, Renee!" Gaby said quickly.

"Geez, okay! When she switched that glass of water I got from one hand to the other, I noticed some marks on her wrist, and then once she'd put the glass down, I attempted to pull up her sleeves… She yanked it away and tucked it in closely to her chest. So judging by what I saw, and her haste to pull her arm away, and then by her words confirming my suspicions… She'd done something to herself. I'm guessing she'd cut them, that's what it looked like, but I didn't get a close enough look to be sure." There was a brief period of silence whilst the information sunk in.

"Oh my god." Lynette said sadly. Everyone turned to look up at her. "How- how did we not see this? How did we not see she was suffering that much that she'd resort to…"

"Oh I know, sweetie." Gaby said, stroking Lynette's arm. "We all missed it. She's our best friend, and we didn't see how much she was suffering underneath her seemingly perfect exterior."

"It's the second time we've missed it." Susan said. Everyone turned to face her looking for an explanation. "Just 3 months ago, she tried to kill herself, and she began drinking again, and we missed it." Lynette turned to face Renee.

"Okay, it's not my fault I didn't know that Bree was an alcoholic when I took her out drinking, but I was the one who stopped her from killing herself, so I don't get all the blame." Renee said, defending her actions.

"Wait, you stopped her from killing herself?" Gaby asked Renee.

"Yeah… Why?" Renee replied.

"It's just, we didn't know that. She'd said to us that night we set up an intervention that she'd checked herself into a motel room with nothing but a bottle of something and a gun… That's all she told us." There was yet another brief moment of silence.

"What happened, exactly, that night, Renee?" Susan asked.

"Well…" Renee started. "I, I thought Ben was cheating on me with her, so when I saw her get into her car, I followed her. When she arrived at that motel and checked herself in, I just automatically assumed she was meeting Ben there. So, I went up to her room, and knocked on the door, demanding she let me in. She said that it wasn't a good time so that just made me more sure that Ben was there, so… So I kicked down the door and started looking all around for him. And then I noticed that there was a gun on the table." Renee paused for a second. "So, I asked her why she had a gun, she didn't give me an answer so I turned around and picked up a note from the table, she asked me not to read it, but of course I did, and just by reading the words she wrote, I knew that it was a suicide note and I put two and two together and realised what it was she was just about to do. I then asked her if she was really gonna, you know, and she broke down crying."

"How did we miss that…" Susan wondered out loud.

* * *

As the girls were discussing Bree's whole ordeal the day before, Bree had just finished eating her late breakfast. She took her plate into her kitchen and placed it by the side of the the sink. She began filling up the sink as she noticed something out of her window. She noticed that the other girls were all on Gaby's porch. She guessed that they must be talking about her, and about what happened yesterday. She drew her curtains above the sink shut and proceeded on with the dishes. She rolled up her left sleeve first, revealing the still red cuts on her arm from the previous morning, but then she rolled up her right sleeve only to see the remnants of the damage she had inflicted on herself last night. There were more than what was on her left arm and deeper. She shook her head and proceeded on with the dishes.

* * *

It was just gone lunch when Bree suddenly started to feel the overwhelming urge to cut once again. She busied herself by cleaning. She did the dishes from lunch, then she cleaned the fridge, all the kitchen surfaces, cleaned out and sorted the cupboards, and swept the kitchen floor. That had killed 2 hours. _Only 2 hours?_ Bree thought to herself. She still wanted so badly to go and cut, but to distract herself, she turned to the living room and cleaned the _whole_ room. It got to dinner time, and Bree went to the drawer to get her chopping knife to prepare dinner, all she could think of was how she wanted to use that on herself. She she had a glass of water and continued with her cleaning. The bedrooms, then the bathrooms, the closets and the hallways.

* * *

It was now 11:30 PM and Bree was still cleaning. She was so exhausted and hungry, but the knives in the kitchen made her want to cut and if she went to sleep, she'd be bombarded with horrifying nightmare after nightmare about what happened out in the woods that night and what could happen. On the outside, no one knew anything was up inside - before yesterday - but Bree had shielded herself from the tremendous guilt about what she'd done that even she hadn't noticed quite what it was doing to her life. She was on her hands and knees in the upstairs hallway trying to get rid of a 6 year old stain from something or other when she heard a knock on the door. She reluctantly walked downstairs to see who it was. She was still in her pyjamas and her hair was all over the place, but she didn't really notice, or care. She opened the door to see Susan and Gaby on her doorstep.

"It's almost 12 o'clock guys." Bree said first. "Can I help you both with something?" The pair looked at their neighbour and noticed how tired she looked.

"We," Gaby started, "We stayed up late drinking, and we noticed that all your lights were still on and we wanted to know if you were okay."

"Is this because of yesterday?" Bree asked. Susan and Gaby looked at each other.

"Kinda…" Susan admitted. "Renee told us what happened, and we just got worried, that's all."

"What exactly did Renee tell you?" Bree asked, getting annoyed that Renee would share one of her darkest moments with other people.

"She, she said that she saw some marks on your arm and-" Gaby started, but was cut off.

"And you two thought I'd be here, this late, mutilating myself?" Bree asked, bluntly. Susan and Gaby both looked uncomfortable and nodded in agreement. "Well, sorry to disappoint you both, but I was just doing some cleaning." She said, holding up her soapy sponge she had in her hand from upstairs.

"At this hour?" Gaby asked.

"Am I not allowed to clean now?" Bree asked, getting really annoyed.

"Bree, it's midnight. Your cleaning can wait until the morning. You should go to bed." Susan said.

"I can't." Bree snapped. "Now both of you, please leave me alone."

"Bree-" Gaby tried.

"Now!" Bree yelled, slamming her door in their faces. She immediately broke down into tears after doing that and fell to the floor. Susan and Gaby could hear the heart wrenching sobs as they turned to leave. They both stopped and turned to face the house. They both so greatly wanted to go and comfort their best friend, but they weren't sure if they'd make matters better or worse by staying. In the end, they both decided that it would be best if they just left her be for the night, they'd try again in the morning.

* * *

The next morning, Lynette was walking down the lane back to her house after walking Penny to the bus stop when she heard the sound of what seemed to be glass smashing against what she guessed was the floor through an open window in Bree's kitchen. After the events of two days previous, she thought it would be a good idea to go and investigate. She walked up the cobblestone path and knocked on the white door. No one came to the door.

"Bree?" Lynette called out. Still no answer. "Bree, if you don't come and open this door I'm gonna walk right in!" Despite Lynette's 'threat', Bree still didn't answer. Lynette drew in a deep breath. "Okay, I warned you. I'm coming in!" Lynette opened the door and took a look around. She heard the sound of a brush against a wooden floor coming from the kitchen and headed towards it. She walked in and immediately noticed Bree on her hands and knees frantically attempting to sweep up thousands of shards of glass from the floor. She seemed to be in some kind of manic state.

"Bree? Honey, are you okay?" Lynette asked, concerned. Bree jumped as she heard Lynette's voice and turned around abruptly. Lynette waited a few seconds for an answer but Bree looked confused. "Did you hear what I just said?" Lynette asked. Bree looked around the room and then back at Lynette.

"I, uh, I don't…" She said, her voice was rushed and barely audible. Lynette knelt down in front of her and looked her right in the eyes. She noticed the dark circles under her eyes, and the redness of them. She then noticed how pale she looked.

"Are you okay?" Lynette asked, extremely concerned.

"I'm fine!" Bree said quickly and rather high pitched.

"Because sweetie, you don't seem it." Lynette said, and then paused for a moment. "Did you get any sleep last night?" Bree tried to return to her sweeping. "Bree, look at me!" Lynette said firmly, grabbing her friends wrists. "No. I didn't." Bree said barely whispering.

"What about food? When was the last time you ate something?" Lynette asked, still holding Bree's wrists so she couldn't return to her cleaning. Bree tried to free herself or Lynette's grasp but had no luck in doing so. "Bree!?" Lynette said, getting seriously concerned.

"Uh…" Bree got out. She looked as if she was concentrating on something on the floor behind Lynette. Lynette turned around but couldn't see anything to suggest Bree's peculiar fixation on whatever it was.

"What is it that you're looking at?" She asked.

"There… There's a uh stain on the corner of that floorboard." Bree said, still fixating on the spot. Lynette released Bree's wrists and she moved to a space next to where she was blocking Bree's view of the insanely small stain on the floor. Bree then looked up at Lynette, right into her eyes. Lynette looked right back into hers and for the first time, she noticed the fear in her eyes. Bree gripped gently onto each wrist with her opposite hand to prevent Lynette from grabbing them again. Lynette noticed this and thought she'd hurt her.

"Oh, I'm so sorry! Did I hurt you?!" She asked frantically hoping to death that she hadn't. Bree looked down and whispered her answer,

"No, you just uh… It's um…"

"Oh my god, I'm sorry! It's uh, your… cuts… isn't it?" Lynette realised. Bree sadly nodded, not looking up. "Um… How long were you uh…" Lynette asked. Bree went back to her sweeping to avoid answering. Lynette knew she wasn't going to get very far. She had a million and one things to do back at home, but she was afraid to leave Bree alone in her fatigued and famished state. "Okay, Bree, we're having some food." Lynette announced, preparing herself to get up from her kneeling position on the floor.

"I'm, I'm not hungry." Bree said quietly.

"Bree, you look hauntingly pale, you're shaking slightly and I could hear your stomach making noises which tells me you haven't eaten for a while. And also you ignored my earlier question about whether you'd eaten anything or not." Lynette paused. "And besides, I'm hungry and I'm not eating alone." Bree continued to slowly sweep up the remaining shards. "Bree, I'm worried about you. Somethings not right." Lynette said, hoping to provoke a response. Still Bree said nothing, so Lynette decided to change her approach. "Get up." She demanded, rising to her feet. Bree looked up at her. "Now." Feeling rather intimidated by Lynette's sudden change of tone, Bree placed her dustpan and brush down on the floor and stood up.

"Lynette…" Bree began.

"Nope. We're having breakfast now." Bree's eyes widened She really didn't feel like eating or preparing.

"Please…" Bree said quietly.

"You have to eat, Bree." Lynette said. "Now, you're an amazing and devout cook, so I'm guessing I'm gonna find the supplies I need in this kitchen to whip up a few pancakes." Bree went to say something, but was cut off. "Nope, go sit at the dining table, or in the living room, whichever you'd prefer, whilst I make a few." Bree had to admit that she was getting extremely hungry, so she silently walked into the dining room and sat in her normal chair as Lynette set to work making some pancakes.

* * *

About 15 minutes later, the two of them were sat in the dining room with a stack of 6 small pancakes in front of them. They'd stayed silent through their meal. Bree had slowly eaten one pancake and had another one on her plate in front of her. She cut it up into 7 smaller pieces but couldn't bring herself to eat them, so she just started moving them around her plate. Lynette - who had just finished her second pancake - noticed Bree's unusual behaviour.

"Bree, honey, you have to eat a bit more than just one pancake." Lynette said, gently. Bree just continued moving her food around her plate and didn't even notice the doorbell ring. Lynette heard it, and looked to Bree. Seeing as it was Bree's house, and Bree's manners, Lynette waited a few seconds to see if Bree was going to get up and answer the door. Then the bell rang again and there were a few knocks on her door. Bree didn't flinch, or seem to notice what was going on at all, so Lynette got up and went to answer the door.

"You wouldn't talk to us last night so we're back and we want to know why you were up at gone midnight. We went to get Lynette also but she wasn't home so you're stuck with- Lynette?" Gaby stopped what she was saying when she noticed it wasn't Bree who had opened the door.

"Keep it down, would you?" Lynette whispered harshly.

"Is she asleep?" Susan asked.

"No." Lynette replied.

"Wait, why are you here?" Gaby asked.

"I came round earlier when I heard something- oh that doesn't matter. Are you two coming in or what?" Lynette asked. The two other women made their way inside. Lynette walked back to the dining room and Susan and Gaby followed her like two puppies following their mother. "We're having pancakes!" Lynette explained as the three of them walked into the dining room. "There's two left if either of you would like one?"

"Yes please." Susan said.

"Yeah me too." Gaby added. "I'll go get two plates." Bree still hadn't looked up from moving the now half destroyed pieces of pancake around her plate.

"Bree, Susan and Gaby are here!" Lynette said, setting back down in her seat and looking at her friend. Gaby had just walked back in and placed the plates down on the table. She and Susan look questioningly at Lynette, wondering why they had no response from Bree. Lynette stretched out her left arm and placed it on Bree's. Bree jumped and her fork crashed down on her plate. Susan and Gaby shared a concerned look.

"Lynette?!" Bree said, half out of question and half out of fear.

"It's okay." Lynette said. "Gaby and Susan are here." Bree turned around to face her new guests.

"How long… How did you both… Why are you…" Bree asked, her voice barely a whisper.

"After last night, we decided we were going to come around this morning and try and talk to you then, hoping you'd be in a more… talkative mood." Susan said.

"Last night? What happened last night?" Bree queried.

"You don't remember?" Gaby asked.

"I, uh…" Bree said.

"We've had a little trouble staying focused this morning." Lynette told the other girls.

"You were up at midnight still cleaning your house…" Gaby said, answering Bree's earlier question.

"Did you get any sleep in the end, Bree?" Susan asked. Bree went back to moving her food around her plate with her fork.

"No, she said earlier that she didn't." Lynette said. The three women shared a look of concern and confusion for a brief moment before they heard the clash of stainless steel hitting china. All three of them turned to face Bree, which is where the sound came from. Bree placed both her hands over her eyes and shook her head wildly. Susan knelt down beside her chair.

"Sweetie, just calm down." She said soothingly.

"I can't!" Bree yelled, jumping up from her seat. "I can't!" She repeated again. She then grabbed the plate which she had just been eating from and threw it at the wall. This shocked the other three. "I can't calm down! This just won't stop!" She yelled, this time throwing her knife and fork at the wall. "It will never stop!" She yelled as she threw Lynette's plate at the wall also. Susan and Lynette moved to restrain her from throwing anything else but Bree fought it. Gaby then helped also, pulling Bree away from whatever else she could throw whilst Susan and Lynette restrained her arms. After a few moments of fighting their embrace, Bree gave in and her legs gave way as she began sobbing loudly as all the anger made it's way out of her system. The girls lowered her down to the floor gently so she wouldn't fall and hurt herself and Lynette held her closely whilst she released all of the built up emotion inside.


	3. Chapter 3

_I'm so sorry that it's been like forever since I updated but I had no new inspiration and then suddenly last night_ _I did, and here we are._

 _Also, there's a **massive** trigger warning on this chapter for the extremely graphic description of something that happens towards the end of this chapter, so if that will trigger you, or you're squeamish, I suggest you skip the last part of this chapter. In the next one you'll get a brief overview of what happened without the graphic description of it, thanks!_

 _Please enjoy! And maybe favourite and review? ;)_

* * *

After Bree's 'breakdown' the girls led her upstairs to her bedroom where she slept for 22 hours straight. Of course the three other women had their own lives to deal with, but they made sure at any given time, there was at least one of them there in case Bree woke up.

* * *

It was 07:26 AM the next morning when Bree finally woke up. She awoke to the sound of her T.V. blaring in her living room. The sound confused her as did the fact that she was in bed with her everyday clothes on. She got up slowly and walked towards the door and then through the hallway and began her descent on the stairs. She had a slight headache but she attributed that to the same reason as to why she didn't know why she'd just woken up. As she came to the bottom of the stairs she looked towards the sofa first, and saw a figure sprawled out on it. She slowly crept towards it and peered round. It was Gaby. This left Bree very confused. _Why is she here, on my sofa, with my T.V. on?_ Bree wondered to herself. After debating it in her head for a few moments, Bree decided that she should wake Gaby, and maybe she'd know what was going on.

"Gaby?" Bree said lightly. Upon getting no response, she knelt down and shook Gaby's shoulder gently. "Gaby?" She tried again.

"Go away Carlos." Gaby moaned as she turned away from the noise.

"Gaby, wake up." Bree said, a little louder than before. Gaby rolled over and slowly opened her eyes. She sat right up when she saw that it was Bree who had woken her.

"Bree?!" She exclaimed. "You're up!"

"Yeah, I am…" Bree said slowly, still confused. "What has happened?" She asked.

"You don't remember?" Gaby asked.

"Not really." Bree replied, looking down at the floor.

"Well…" Gaby began, "you were up really late 2 nights ago, and you slammed your door in Susan's and my face, but the next morning Lynette came round and you were in some kind of manic and unresponsive state, then Susan and I came round again, and you and Lynette were having pancakes and then when we were there you threw many things at the walls in the dining room, broke down crying and then slept for 22 hours. Basically." Bree was speechless, how had she allowed herself to get that bad? But then she remembered the cutting, and the breakdown at Lynette's, but the day previous was still kind of a blur to her.

"Did I really get that bad?" Bree asked.

"Yeah, you did…" Gaby replied. "To be perfectly honest we toyed with the idea of getting you committed to a psychiatric hospital, but then we also thought that a good night's sleep might be just what you needed." As she finished her sentence, Gaby looked at her watch, which did not go unnoticed by Bree.

"Gaby, is there somewhere you need to be?" She asked.

"Uh, no," Gaby replied, "it's just-" but before Gaby could say anymore, there was a brief knock on the front door and then appeared Lynette.

"Gaby, you still here?" She yelled not realising that Gaby and Bree were _both_ awake and on the sofa looking right at her.

"Lynette?" Bree said. Lynette's turned around quickly to see where the words had come from and was somewhat relieved that it had been Bree who'd uttered them.

"You're awake!" Lynette exclaimed.

"Yes, I am. I never thought it'd be such a big deal." Bree said. Lynette looked at Gaby with a questioning look as she walked over to them.

"Does she not know what happened?" She asked.

"No, she does, we've just gone through all that." Gaby said as she lay back on the couch. After a few moments of silence, Bree spoke.

"So I'm sure you two must have things that need doing today, don't you?" Gaby sat back up and Lynette sat down and they looked at each other, neither sure how to answer the question. "It's a simple yes or no question, ladies." Bree said, still waiting for an answer.

"I have a few things I guess…" Gaby said. Bree nodded and turned to Lynette.

"And you, Lynette?" She asked.

"To be perfectly honest, it was me who was supposed to be here for the next-" Lynette paused as she looked at her wristwatch, "six and a half hours so I cleared my schedule for the day, so no I don't actually."

"Lynette, you have 5 kids, I'm sure there's something that always needs doing." Bree said, desperately wishing for there to be a legitimate reason so that she could be left alone for the day. Lynette and Gaby looked at each other.

"Honey," Gaby started, "we um… We don't think you should be alone just yet."

"And why not?" Bree asked.

"For starters sweetie, yesterday you threw 2 china plates and a knife and fork at the wall." Lynette added in.

"And just because I snapped because I was sleep deprived I should have constant supervision?" Bree asked. Her voice was monotone and breaking. She had a lump in her throat and her tears were once again threatening to make an appearance.

"Bree, we're just worried about you, that's all." Gaby said. Just as she finished her sentence, the door swung open: it was Susan.

"Gaby are you still-" She called out, but then stopped when she saw the three women in the living room. "Bree! You're up!" She said happily.

"Yes, for god's sakes I am up. Let's just scream it down the street as it seems to be such big news." Bree said gruffly, but her voice cracked at the end of her sentence as the tears were making themselves known. She blinked furiously to get rid of them. Judging by the fact that Gaby and Lynette didn't react, Susan guessed that Bree was not in the best frame of mind at that particular moment.

"Now will the three of you please get out of my house?!" She pleaded as best she could well keeping her emotions in check.

"Bree, honey, I think you should let at least one of us stay with you." Susan said as she made her way over and knelt on the floor beside the three women.

"I do not need a babysitter, I'm fine. Now please all of you, get out of my house!" Bree said a bit louder. When none of them moved Bree's anger took over. "Gaby, when you had that miscarriage and wanted to be left alone we respected that, like when you lost Grace! And Lynette, when you had cancer and when Tom left and you wanted to be left alone, we gave you space! And Susan, divorce after divorce and after Mike died and everything else that has somehow made itself immanent in your life, we let you have time to deal and to grieve! Now why can't the three of you do that for me? Your lives are way more screwed up than mine and you all deserve it because you won't leave me alone!" All three women looked at each other in disbelief of what Bree had just said. After a moment, Susan got up without saying a word and walked out of the front door. Gaby and Lynette rose to their feet and also made their way to the door, but then the both stopped and turned around to face Bree who was still in the same seat as she had been in throughout the whole ordeal.

"You know Bree," Gaby said, "I wish Renee had let you die that night in the motel room." With that, she too walked out of the door. Lynette began to follow her, but just as she was about to take a step out of the door, she turned back around to face Bree.

"Yes, what she said was cruel," Lynette began, "but in all fairness you deserved it. Don't come to us for anything anymore Bree." As she pronounced the final syllable, Lynette walked outside, slamming Bree's front door shut and ran ahead to join Gaby and Susan.

* * *

It was now three hours after Susan, Gaby and Lynette had left Bree's house after her sudden outburst of rage which left them all deeply hurt and Bree was still sat in the same place she was when they all left. She hadn't moved an inch. She's just sat there staring blankly at the wall for those three hours. She didn't feel sad, ashamed, guilty or anything, she just felt _numb._ Her eyes felt heavy after the few tears that had escaped had left their marks in her eyes, leaving them red and puffy. The only thing she wanted to do was get up and get a glass of wine, but she'd put it off. But now, the temptation and craving was getting too much for her to handle so she arose from her position on the couch and walked slowly into her kitchen and retrieved the glass of red wine she had in her cupboard. She also got a glass from the cupboard above her and poured herself a full glass of wine. Her heart pounded heavily in her chest as she took a sip of the beverage she had been avoiding now for 5 years. She closed her eyes as she tasted the poignant taste of the wine. She then drank the rest of the glass and poured herself another. She took that glass and the rest of the bottle and sat down on her couch once again.

"I don't care!" Gaby yelled. "She was flat out horrible!" Gaby, Lynette, Susan and Renee sat at Gaby's kitchen table 6 hours after the whole ordeal at Bree's.

"Someone better tell me what's going on." Renee said bluntly. She'd been sat at the table for only 3 minutes but she'd heard many negative things about who she could only guess was Bree. Lynette sighed before re-calling the events or earlier in the day.

"Well you know about Bree's mini breakdown type thing at hers yesterday because you were at the house between 7-10 PM."

"Yeah, I'm waiting to hear what she did wrong." Renee said.

"Well, in our attempts to look after her she got really annoyed thy we wouldn't leave and said some very hurtful things to us all, so we left." Lynette finished.

"I kind of feel bad for what I said," Gaby said, "but it's not like she didn't deserve it."

"What did you say?" Renee asked.

"Yeah, what did you say?" Susan added.

"Oh that's right," Gaby began, "it was after you walked out. I may have said that I wished Renne had let her kill herself that night… but after what she said, she deserved it."

"Gaby!" Renee scolded. "You do not know how fragile she was after that! God knows what you've done now!"

"To be fair, Renee, what Bree said was as hurtful." Susan added.

"I doubt it!" Renee said. She looked around at the other women who all seemed to agree with Gaby's harsh words. "What did she say?"

"Well…" Susan began. She looked around at the other two women who were there and they all without saying anything knew that what Bree said was not as damaging as what they said, but nonetheless they found it hurtful. "It doesn't matter but it was bad."

"See, I don't think it was as bad because you all won't tell me what it was." Renee said, folding her arms across her chest.

"Okay it wasn't _as_ bad, but it was still hurtful." Lynette said.

"So by some crazy means the not so bad remarks she made were legitimate cause for you to tell her in such words to kill herself!" Renee yelled.

"Hey! I didn't say that!" Gaby yelled back slamming her hand on the table.

"Yes! You did! In her eyes, yes you did!" Renee said back. "For someone who has come that close to killing themselves is way more fragile and sensitive than others when people say things like that."

"She deserved it!" Gaby yelled. She stood up. "And for all I care, she can try it again. Just don't go and stop her this time Renee." Gaby said as she walked off and upstairs to her bedroom. Lynette and Susan immediately got up and rushed after her.

"Girls!" Renee called. The two of them turned around to face Renee.

"Yes?" Susan queried.

"You're gonna go comfort her?" Renee asked.

"Yes. She's our friend and she needs help." Lynette replied.

"What about your other friend?" Renee asked.

"You'll be fine." Susan said. Renee's face darkened.

"I mean _Bree_." Renee said.

"To he honest, at this point, I agree with Gaby. She doesn't want us around so we don't want _her_ around either." Susan said and went upstairs to find Gaby.

"She doesn't care about us," Lynette started, "so why should we care about her?" With that, Lynette followed Susan upstairs and Renee was left alone. She decided as none of the others were going to even attempt to talk to Bree, she should give it a go. So she got up and started the 30 second journey to Bree's house.

* * *

Whilst all of that was going on inside the Solis house, Bree had finished the entire bottle of wine, and made 32 fresh cuts on each of her arms. Her razor blade and bloody tissue were laying out on the living room table, she found no reason to hide out in her bathroom as she lived alone, and she wanted to get back to her wine so she'd taken her razor back downstairs with her. She was now with a very shaky hand signing the bottom of the note she had just written. It read:

 _Dear all who may be reading this,_

 _I am truly, deeply sorry if this hurts any of you, but I no longer see any of way to deal with this._

 _Living with these secrets is too painful, I can't go on. I've lost all of my friends due to my never ending guilt and remorse. I'm sorry, to all of you._

 _Lynette, Gaby, Susan, you all mean the world to me and I have no way of allowing you to see this, I've done and said many hurtful things an I don't see a way I can dig myself out of this hole I have dug, I'm trapped at the bottom and I don't see a way out._

 _Renee, you also mean the world to me and I will no longer be able to show you this, so please take this as an everlasting reminder of that._

 _To my family and extended circle of friends, I love you all deeply ad I'm sorry._

 _I wasn't planning to leave behind such a long note, but you all need to know just how much I really did love you._

 _I'm sorry._

 _Love, Bree._

A lonesome tear made its way down Bree's rosy cheek as she folded the letter in half and placed it on the coffee table. Renee had locked up all of Bree's guns after the last time she had tried to kill herself, so this time, Bree took the razor blade she had used just an hour before and twiddled it around in her fingers just like she had done the first time she cut. She drew in a deep breath as she worked up the courage to carry out her plan. She slowly rolled up the right sleeve on the red blouse she was wearing and then the left one. She then held the blade to the inside of her left wrist. She sobbed quietly as she did so. After steadying her hand, she slowly dug the blade into her skin a couple of milimetres deep. She knew that she had to made this deep in order for her to bleed out quickly. She quickly but steadily dragged the blade down the inside of her arm, screaming out in pain as she did so. She finally reached 4 inches below where she started and the blood was pouring out, quicker than anything she had ever done to her arm by means of self before. There was already a steady pool of blood forming her her lap and dripping down onto her wooden floor. She began to feel lightheaded and knew she had to slit her left wrist while she still had the chance. She once again took the razor in her very unsteady, bleeding left hand and did the same to her other wrist. She cried out in pain as se could physically feel the blood leaving her body. The last thing she remembered before she blacked out was the sound of her door opening and a figure running towards her. ' _Please don't save me'_ was the last thought that went through her mind, she then blacked out.

* * *

Renee walked up the cobblestone path to Bree's front door. She knocked on it, not expecting an answer. She was about to knock again when she heard a strangled cry coming from inside. Renee immediately reached for the door handle, surprised to find it open and rushed inside. She looked over to the living room just as Bree collapsed into an unconscious heap on the couch. It didn't take her long to notice the blood pooling on the floor from the steam making its way down off of Bree's sofa and right leg. She ran over and took one look and immediately decided that she needed to call an ambulance. She reached for the phone that was on the stand just to the left of her and dialled 9-1-1.

" _Hello? Do you need ambulance, fire or police?"_

"Ambulance, please. I'm at 4354 Wisteria Lane, my friends tried to slit her wrists. Please hurry." Renee said quickly. She then hung up the phone and rushed back over to Bree. "Oh honey, what did you do?" She wondered aloud. She remembered some stuff she'd learnt at school about first aid. She first picked up Bree's legs and placed them up on top of the side of the sofa and then wrapped a blanket around her right arm and held a pillow to the right one. She waited just two agonising minutes that felt like an eternity for the paramedics to arrive. Once they did, they took over and Renee stood to the side in utter disbelief over what had just happened.

* * *

Gaby, Lynette and Susan were still in Gaby's bedroom when they heard the sound of a siren making its way on to peaceful Wisteria Lane. All three went over to the window and looked out. It was dark but they could see it was an ambulance and that the paramedics were making their way into Bree's home. The three of them looked at each other, each feeling guilty because of what they'd all said before and they rushed downstairs and outside. By then, half of the street had made their way outside to see what all the noise was about. Everyone was shocked to see Bree being carried out on a stretcher to the ambulance. Renee was closely behind the paramedics. The paramedics lifted Bree up into the back of the ambulance and Renee did also. But just as she was climbing into the back, she shot an angry and disappointed look at Lynette, Susan and Gaby. The back door of the ambulance slammed shut and they were in their way to the hospital, leaving the inhabitants of Wisteria Lane worried and confused.


	4. Chapter 4

So this is about 500 words shorter than I'd normally make a chapter, but what I want to put in next will require about 1.5k words and that would bring the total of this chapter to just over 4k which is more than I'd usually put in a chapter so...

Anyway, I hope y'all enjoy this! Please leave a review xo

* * *

3 weeks had passed since Bree's suicide attempt. She had survived it, barely. She was given blood transfusions at the hospital and her wounds were sewn up. The residents of Wisteria Lane had all 'recovered' from the event that rocked their community, well, all apart from 3 women who all felt varying degrees of guilt.

Gaby felt terribly guilty following the cruel words which had escaped her lips during their last conversation before Bree's suicide attempt. She felt as though somehow her words and actions were to blame for Bree's sudden desire to end everything.

Susan felt guilty because of the words she had expressed to Renee just minutes before the ambulance appeared on the lane.

And Lynette felt guilty because she felt she should have done more. She felt that she shouldn't have left Bree even when she flat out denied their efforts of help and support.

* * *

Bree had been discharged from the hospital after the mandatory 72 hour psychiatric hold. She had also attended the mandatory counselling, and after 4 sessions was declared emotionally stable enough to leave the counselling programme and return to daily life. Of course, discussing emotions was not Bree's forté, so she wasn't anywhere near as 'emotionally okay' as she made herself appear to be fine, but she decided that she'd just try and forget the feelings she was feeling by distracting herself with housework as she would usually do.

* * *

"Bree? I know you're home your lights are on!" Renee yelled from outside Bree's door. Bree came to the door and opened it with a warm smile.

"I was just cooking Renee, sorry I didn't hear you the first time." Bree said, smiling.

"It's fine." Renee said. The two of them stood there in silence for a few moments.

"So? Anything you want?" Bree asked.

"Yes, I… I was just wanting to know how you're doing." Renee said. Bree laughed slightly.

"I'm doing fine, but I get the feeling you won't leave until we've had a slightly longer conversation." Bree replied, laughing.

"Well you're right." Renee said, laughing also.

"Well, come on in then." Bree said, taking a step to the side to open the door wider and allow her guest into her home. "I hope you don't mind if we talk in the kitchen? I have soup I'm just about to put on the stove." She asked.

"No, that's fine." Renee said as she followed Bree into the kitchen.

"I don't suppose you'd like some? Unless you have other lunch plans, of course." Bree offered.

"I'd love some, if that's okay." Renee said.

"Great!" Bree said as she set about cutting some more tomatoes and sweet potatoes and chopping some more onions.

"So, Bree. How are you doing?" Renee asked. Bree kept her back to Renee as she was chopping up the vegetables.

"I am doing better, of course you know from last time I won't recover overnight but I'm doing better than I've been doing in a long time." Bree replied. Keeping her face away from Renee just in case she could see through her façade. It's not like she wasn't doing better, because she was, compared to that night, but she was - minus the mini breakdown - just in the same place she was the few days prior to it. She was still self-harming, all though she'd moved up to her upper arms so she could wear ¾ length sleeves so her friends wouldn't get suspicious, not that she seen much of them.

"That's good." Renee said. Bree slid she onions into the pan after putting in a spoonful of oil. And began to move them around. "And the cutting?" Bree waited a moment, debating her answer.

"Nope." Bree said.

"Bree…" Renee said, getting suspicious after the pause.

"Honestly Renee!" Bree said. She stopped stirring for a brief moment and turned around holding out both of her arms. She had her sleeves rolled up so she could cook. "See?" Renee looked down at Bree's wrists and just saw the slowly healing scars from her suicide attempt and a couple of fading white and pink scars on the other side of her arms.

"Okay." Renee said. Bree returned to her cooking. "I'm sorry… It's just…"

"It's fine, Renee. Honestly. I know all you want to do is save me from doing something like that, _again._ " Bree said, laughing slightly at the last word. Renee laughed gently. After showing Renee her arms and seeing the scars, both the self harm ones and the suicide ones, it made her feel like cutting. But she knew Renee would be staying for lunch so she couldn't. Or could she? She shook her head briefly and added in the puree, the stock cube, the water, the herbs and spices, the sweet potato and the tomatoes and began stirring. But the urge was getting too strong, she could feel the emotion building up inside of her and the lump in her throat beginning to form. It was the weirdest thing she always thought, whenever she felt the urges to cut, she'd get all teary and anxious. Her breath was beginning to get shaky as she tried to control her feelings. But it was a lost cause because she knew she wasn't going to get rid of this urge.

"Um, Renee? Would you mind stirring for a few minutes, I really must use the bathroom." Bree asked, hoping Renee would believe her.

"Yeah sure!" Renee said, jumping up to join Bree at the stove. She took the wooden spoon from Bree's hands. She thought she saw Bree's hands shaking slightly but then thought that it must be just her imagination and decided to leave the matter. "I just keep stirring?"

"Uh, yes." Bree said. "I'll be back in a minute." Her voice got shaky towards the end of her last sentence and hoped that Renee hadn't picked up on it.

* * *

Upstairs, Bree ran into her bathroom and went straight to the sink. She gripped both hands onto the sides and bowed her head taking a few deep breaths. It was at times like this when she'd usually pray. But as self harm and suicide are sins, she hadn't really prayed or gone to church for quite a while. She realised she had just a minute or two until Renee would begin to get suspicious. So she reached hastily into the bottom of her drawer and retrieved her razor blade, unbuttoned her shirt so she could get to her upper arms and grabbed a few pieces of toilet paper and made 3 small cuts on her left upper arm. She wiped them gently with the toilet roll and immediately felt the release she had been longing for. She made 5 more small-ish cuts and held the paper to them for about 30 seconds. She knew that if she was any longer that Renee would begin to get suspicious so she checked that they'd all stopped bleeding - which they had - and flushed the paper, put the blade back, buttoned her shirt back up and washed her hands.

* * *

Bree returned to the kitchen and took over from Renee.

"There you are! I was just about to send a search party." Renee said, laughing. Bree laughed too, feeling a little more relaxed now.

"I'm sorry." Bree said. "Okay, it's just about ready. Could you get the blender from the cupboard? It's the one to the left of me."

"Sure." Renee said as she got up. She retrieved the blender and set it down on the worktop.

"Great, thanks." Bree said. She took the saucepan off the stove and began pouring its contents into the blender.

* * *

The next few days went by okay. Bree had every day given into her 'urges' but apart from that she'd managed to keep up a decent appearance. She'd completed her daily chores, ran her errands and attended to her garden. She'd made up with all three girls, they'd hugged it out also, so she knew that all was good.

Today was poker day, and it was at Susan's. Bree wanted to go, but at the same time all she wanted to do was stay in and sit around and do nothing as she wasn't having the best day. But, she knew she needed to get out, so she decided she would go. So at 2:30 PM that afternoon she left her house and walked across the road to Susan's.

When she arrived, the others were all there. She opened the door and was greeted by smiles from her friends.

"Ah Bree! Great timing! We were just about to start." Susan said cheerfully.

"Great!" Bree replied. She walked forward and took the last remaining empty seat which was in between Gaby and Renee and they all began playing.

* * *

About half an hour into the game, Bree suddenly found herself becoming rather anxious. She knew that this was because she felt the sudden and overwhelming urge to cut. Before she could think of what she could do to get rid of these thoughts she became teary-eyed as she always did in this particular predicament. She kept her head down as she tried to blink back her tears so none of her friends would see her practically crying.

"Bree? It's your turn." Lynette said.

"Oh, right… Um…" Bree said, her voice was getting shaky from her growing anxiety over her sudden urge. "I fold." She said, placing her cards face down on the table whilst keeping her head slightly bowed. "If you'll all excuse me for a minute, I have something at home that I need to check on." Her voice cracked towards the end of the sentence and the last word was barely a whisper but she needed to get out of there. After finishing her sentence, she got up and left Susan's house. Once outside, she drew in a deep breath and a strangled sob made its way out of Bree's lips. She immediately walked quickly over to her house to prevent anyone from following her. She opened her door, walked inside and then closed it quickly, she then lent against it as a couple of sobs made their way out of her mouth. She knew that if she waited much longer she would have a complete breakdown so she hurried upstairs and into her bathroom where she kept her blade and released some of her pain. She then got a few pieces of toilet roll and began holding it above her fresh cuts. And as usual, she felt the immediate release of built up emotion. She laughed quietly to herself as she thought, _how can something so wrong bring me such relief and make me feel okay again?_ But then her laughter was replaced by a single tear which had made its way down her cheek. She made a few more cuts on her right arm, she didn't even care that she had just cut her forearm and that if Renee or anyone else asked to check her wrists she wouldn't be able to deny her acts anymore, but she was beyond caring. All she wanted in that moment was to feel the bittersweet release and to see she could still feel _something._ After taking a few deep breaths, she realised that the others would still be waiting for her to return to poker so she quickly put away her blade, threw the paper in the bin next to her, smartened herself up and left her home. She walked quickly across the street as she'd already been gone a good 10 minutes. She opened Susan's front door and hoped that no one would be suspicious as to where she'd been and what she'd been doing for the past 10 minutes. She was greeted by Renee who was just about to open the door from the inside.

"Bree!" Renee exclaimed.

"Renee…" Bree said, her voice slightly week from the shock of someone being right in front of her.

"There you are! I was just coming over to see if you were actually coming back or whether you'd been pulled into why ever it was you had to leave." Renee explained.

"Yeah, I'm sorry, I just had some important papers I remembered needed signing so Andrew could pick them up." Bree lied. Susan, Gaby and Lynette believed her, but Renee was a different matter.

"Are you alright?" She asked under her breath as she closed Susan's front door. Bree nodded. Renee looked up at her. "You've been crying." She whispered.

"I haven-" Bree began whispering back, but realised it was pointless as Renee could obviously tell she was lying.

"I just thought…" Renee said loudly all of a sudden. Everyone turned to look at her. "I have some crabcakes and some mini quiches at home left over from my lunch with a friend today, they'll all go to waste so shall I bring them over and we can eat what we can?"

"Sounds great!" Susan said. Renee then looked over at Gaby and Lynette to see if they agreed with Susan.

"What are you waiting for? You've already made me hungry!" Gaby said, laughing. Everyone laughed apart from Bree who had to force a laugh.

"Great!" Renee said. "Bree, would you mind helping me?" Bree suddenly realised that this was Renee's way of getting her alone to ask what was wrong.

"Certainly." Bree agreed reluctantly. She didn't want to appear rude so she agreed.

"Great, we'll be back in a few." Renee said.

* * *

After the two of them walked out of Susan's house, Renee wasted no time in wanting to know what was up.

"So…?" She asked.

"So?" Bree replied flatly. It wasn't in a rude tone, but Bree had no energy to talk, or even argue with Renee that she was fine. She crossed her arms across her chest and grabbed onto the sides of her pale green cardigan and looked down at the road in front of her as they walked up to Renee's house.

"So? What's wrong?" Renee asked. Bree shrugged her shoulders ever so slightly.

"I don't know." She said quietly, still not looking up.

"You don't know?" Renee asked. "Are you… feeling sad? Or anxious? Or like you want to cut or…?"

"All of that, I guess." Bree replied still in a quiet voice.

"Have you cut at all?" Renee asked. "I know, just a few days ago when I asked you, you said you hadn't, but have you?" Bree didn't have the energy to argue or lie.

"Mmhmm…" She mumbled sadly.

"How often have you…" Renee asked.

"Every day… Since they released me from the hospital." Bree whispered. She still hadn't looked up and was still holding on to her sides. Renee felt sorry for Bree, she still couldn't open up to anyone and that fact was soon going to destroy her if she continued to suppress her emotions and hide them from everyone that cares for her.

"Oh Bree…" Renee said. "I'm sorry."

"Yeah. Well, I'm not helping myself much so I can't expect anything from you." Bree mumbled softly.

"Bree…" Renee began. "You're not going to get any better if you can't share what you're feeling with anyone. If you continuously lie to people about how you're doing." Bree knew Renee was right, she knew that she was putting her emotional health in jeopardy by keeping emotional thoughts to herself.


	5. Chapter 5

This is basically just me rambling on haha, I have something more exciting planned but I have a few more chapters I need to add in before I can get to that to fill the time in between...

So yeah, I hope you enjoy this chapter!

* * *

It was 9:30 PM in the evening after the poker game in which she had flipped out at, and Bree had just washed up after dinner and tidied the kitchen and living room. She poured herself a glass of water and sat down on her sofa. All she could think about was how she still wanted life to end. She'd caused so much emotional harm to those around her and even though she knew that suicide would bring more emotional pain, she thought that the pain people would feel if she died would be significantly less than if she carried on living. As much as she tried, she couldn't shake these thoughts. To be honest, those thoughts scared her. She didn't want to die, she just wanted her pain, and the pain she causes others to end.

She knew that she was either going to do something she'd regret or go crazy if she stayed where she was any longer. She had to get out of her house and talk to someone to take her mind of things. She was also feeling the urge to cut again, and began getting anxious and teary again. She placed her glass down onto the coffee table and walked to the door. She didn't bother getting a jacket because it wasn't very cold but to help calm herself down she grabbed the sides of her jumper with opposite arms and walked out into the street. She decided to go to Lynette's as she knew that MJ and Juanita and Celia would still be up or have just gone to bed and Gaby and Susan would want some peace. She took a deep breath as she walked up Lynette's pathway and knocked on the door. She knew that Tom had the kids tonight so she knew she wouldn't disturb them at least, whether Lynette would be willing to help after the whole ordeal a few weeks ago, is another thing entirely. Bree gripped harder onto the sides of her jumper as she waited for Lynette to come to the door. _I shouldn't be here._ Bree thought to herself whilst she waited. _What if she's busy? Or what if she just wants some alone time. Or wants the quiet of having no kids in the house?_ A million different thoughts ran through her head. Just then, the door swung open. Bree looked her up from the tile on the floor she had been looking at and at Lynette. The first thing she realised was that Lynette was in her pyjamas.

"Hey Bree. What's up?" Lynette asked. Bree was rendered speechless for a few seconds out of anxiety.

"I uh, was just wondering if you could, um, do you have a few minutes?" Bree stuttered.

"I um, was just about to go to bed but sure, what's up?" Lynette said. Bree immediately felt extremely guilty as Lynette was just about to go to sleep.

"Uh, no it's fine. You should um, go to sleep. Sorry to have bothered you." Bree said at barely a whisper as there was a lump in her throat and she was doing everything possible to prevent herself from crying.

"Bree, what's going on?" Lynette asked.

"It's fine. It's nothing. It's fine." Bree said as loud as she could - which was a strangled whisper - as she began to turn around and walk back to her house.

"Wait, Bree." Lynette said. Bree stopped and looked up to the sky as she forced herself not to cry. She turned around. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, it's just... " Bree said, she then shook her head. "It's not important."

"Honey," Lynette said in a serious tone, "were you thinking about anything like…?" Lynette asked, not wanting to say exactly what it was she was thinking desperately hoping it wouldn't be true. Bree looked into Lynette's eyes as she felt her emotions getting the better of her. Her face began to crumple up and she hid it behind her hands. "Oh sweetie." Those were the only words that escaped Lynette's mouth. She then smiled weekly. "Come on in." She said. Bree looked up but only looked in her eyes for a millisecond at a time before she looked away again. "But you're-"

"It doesn't matter, honey you're way more important to me right now." Lynette said. She walked a few steps out of her door and led Bree inside with an arm around her shoulders.

* * *

Lynette sat her down on the couch in the living room.

"Can I get you something? Hot chocolate maybe?" Lynette asked.

"That would be lovely, thanks." Bree whispered, she wasn't able to speak at a normal volume without her voice cracking. Lynette nodded and set about making them both a cup of hot chocolate. Bree slid off her shoes and pulled her knees up to her chest and held them there tightly with her arms until she felt like she was going to cry, which is when she crossed her legs and placed both hands over her face and bowed her head slightly. She unknowingly began rocking back and forth ever so slightly. A soft cry escaped her and she then willed herself to not let another sob escape her lips. Lynette looked at Bree with sympathy as she finished making the hot chocolates. She had no idea what it was like to feel the way that Bree felt. In just the last three weeks she'd come so close to a nervous breakdown, started self-harming, been abandoned by her friends and had attempted suicide. She couldn't even begin to imagine the pain the Bree must be feeling.

"Here." Lynette said gently as she held up the cup of steaming hot hot chocolate for Bree. Bree took her hands away from her face and took the cup from Lynette's hands.

"Thanks." She whispered. She sat back against the back of the sofa keeping her legs crossed. Lynette then sat down next to her.

"So…" Lynette said, not really sure how to handle the situation. "What made you come over?"

"I just… I needed to get out of there, my thoughts were just getting to me too much and I was scared that I'd… do something…" Bree whispered. She looked down at her mug of hot chocolate not wanting to look Lynette in the eyes. She then put it on the table when she felt herself shaking. Lynette reached out her right arm and placed her hand on Bree's which were in her lap. Bree jumped at the sudden contact.

"Don't touch me!" She shrieked. Lynette sat back, unsure as to what to think of the situation. Bree drew in a deep breath and realised how harshly she'd just reacted. "I'm sorry." She whispered, quickly. "I just, I… I'm sorry."

"It's okay." Lynette said. Bree's anxious feelings were beginning to take over all of a sudden. She began to fiddle with her hands and her breathing was beginning to get faster thus making her heart beat faster also. Lynette picked up on this.

"Honey," she began, "you need to calm down."

"I can't!" Bree said. She gripped onto the sides of her jumper again and began digging her nails into her arm so she could feel _something_. Her legs were still crossed and she began rocking back and forth again. Bree didn't know what was going on and the sudden sensations she was feeling began to panic her even more. She looked up into Lynette's eyes for just a brief moment but Lynette could clearly see the fear in her friend's eyes. Bree uncrossed her legs and put her feet back on the floor as she tried to calm herself down. Lynette put her mug of hot chocolate down on the coffee table and proceeded to help Bree.

"Lynette… I don't, I don't know… What's happen… Happening." Bree got out between struggled breaths.

"Bree, calm down, it's just a panic attack." Lynette said soothingly whilst rubbing Bree's shoulder.

"It… It feels… feels worse…" Bree got out. She was terrified, she had no idea what was happening to her. Her breathing was still terribly rapid, her heart was beating so fast she felt as if it was going to burst right out of her chest, her palms were all sweaty and she was shaking wildly.

"Bree, honey, I promise you, it's just a panic attack." Lynette said. "I used to suffer from them when I was in college. I promise you, you'll be okay." Bree was full on crying now, she was terrified, she honestly thought she was going to die. She was now also hysterically crying. Lynette didn't know what to do so she just leant forward and hugged Bree tightly. Bree held on to Lynette as if her life depended on it. She cried so hard into her shoulder and was still breathing rapidly and shaking and her heart was still beating so fast. Lynette held onto her ever so tightly, she knew the fright that came with a panic attack and that it was going to be a while before Bree calmed down completely. Lynette whispered soothing words in Bree's ear, not that she'd hear them given the state that she was in.

* * *

Another 3 minutes passed and Bree remained in her hysterical and panicked state, but then, finally she began to calm down. She didn't dare let go of Lynette in fear of what might happen if she did, but her heart rate and her breathing finally began to slow down and her cries ceased. Lynette could feel Bree beginning to slow down but kept her in a tight embrace as she didn't seem to want to let go and she could completely understand her need to feel secure.

* * *

Another few minutes passed and eventually Bree let go of Lynette. She looked up at her, mortified.

"I'm so, truly sorry Lynette…" Bree apologised. Now she couldn't keep eye contact with Lynette because of the embarrassment she felt.

"Honey you don't need to apologise." Lynette said. "I know first hand how terrifying experiences like this can be."

"You've had one before?" Bree asked.

"Yeah, back in high school." Lynette said, she guessed that Bree hadn't remembered that she'd said that earlier because of her panicking.

"Do you mind if I ask… how did you… cope?" Bree asked feverishly. Lynette laughed slightly before sitting back on the couch with her hot chocolate.

"Well, they started my freshman year, to this day I'm not too sure why…" She began. "But I remember my first one, it was in maths. I got quite panicky, so I asked to leave the class and stand outside for a minute to get some fresh air, but then it hit me and I was gasping for air right in the hallway and I couldn't go back in…" Lynette laughed as she recalled her experience. "Anyway, after that, I was referred to the school counsellor and she helped me figure out ways which would help me calm down. I tried square breathing, _grounding_ , counting to 10 and back down in my head and a few other things, and after a few months I stopped having them, I don't know why though."

"That just really scared me." Bree said. "I'm so, incredibly sorry for just breaking down on your couch…" Lynette reached out her arm and placed a supportive hand on Bree's knee.

"Honey it's okay." Lynette reassured. "I'd much prefer you to be here in this state than for you to be alone."

"Thank you." Bree whispered.

"So… Um, why did you come over here in the first place?" Lynette asked. Bree took a deep breath.

"I… I guess I just… I felt as if I would do something that I'd regret… And I just felt like I'd go crazy if I stayed there feeling like that…" Bree said quietly.

"By something you regret, you mean… suicide?" Lynette asked. Bree just nodded. She felt terribly embarrassed. She then yawned.

"Oh, you must be getting rather tired." Lynette said. "After… That, it really sucks all of the energy out of you."

"Yeah, I am actually." Bree said. "But what about you? You were about to go to bed when I came over."

"Yeah I'm quite tired too." Lynette said, laughing slightly.

"I really should go back to mine, now." Bree said as she got up.

"Are you going to be okay?" Lynette asked as she got up also.

"Yeah, I guess I'll have to be." Bree replied, laughing lightly. Lynette put her left hand on Bree's shoulder and looked her right in the eyes.

"If you… If you feel you need to, come back over, doesn't matter what time it is." Lynette said. Bree smiled gently back.

"I don't deserve such good friends." Bree said. "Thanks, Lynette."

* * *

The next few days passed as they normally did, but Bree found herself dealing with yet another problem that seemed to stem from her current emotional state. Panic attacks. She'd had that one at Lynette's that night, but after that she'd had another one after waking up from a nightmare and ended up and at the ER of her local hospital because she thought she was having a heart attack. After a few hours of tests beginning at 1 AM, the doctor on call told Bree that there was nothing physically wrong with her and that it probably was in fact just a panic attack. The news of course left Bree severely embarrassed and she left and returned to her home at 4 AM. But apart from that, and cutting every night still, she'd regained some semblance of a normal life. She'd tended to her garden, ran her errands and kept up with her housework.

It was 6:30 that evening, Bree had just cleared up after dinner and she felt the sudden overwhelming urge to cut once again. After trying to put off the urge, she succumbed to the dark whispers of her mind and traipsed her way upstairs and into the bathroom. She found her blade from the drawer as well as her newly acquired black towel and stood above the sink as usual. She proceeded to draw crimson lines upon her wrists and she felt the sweet release that came from this sinful action. She felt no reason to stop at just a few, so she carried on. Silent tears streamed down her rosy cheeks as she did so. Soon, her entire left forearm was nothing but a chopped up crimson monstrosity. There was no pink flesh visible, it was all either cut or smeared with blood. Bree carelessly wiped her black towel over them all, many of which just continued bleeding lightly afterwards as they usually would. She felt terribly ashamed of what she was doing, but at the same time, she saw no reason to stop. She was watching the crimson beads form from each laceration when all of a sudden she heard Renee's voice coming from downstairs. She panicked immediately.

"Bree?" Renee called out. "Your lights are on and your door is open so I know you're home, I need your opinion on something!"

"I'll be right down!" Bree yelled. She panicked as she put her black towel back in its place and regretted wearing a cream blouse because if even one of her cuts began bleeding whilst Renee was there it wouldn't take long for the fact that she'd just been mutilating herself. She looked at her arm and nothing was bleeding so she decided just to pull down her sleeves and make her way downstairs.

"There you are!" Renee said. Completely not realising Bree's tear stained cheeks. "I'm going on a date with Ben tonight to Chez Naomi and do I wear this necklace," she paused to hold up an emerald-jeweled necklace, "or this one?" She then held up a sapphire-jeweled necklace.

"The emerald one goes great with your outfit." Bree said hoarsely as her throat was still recovering from crying just minutes before.

"You think so? Great! I thought so too!" Renee said. It was then when Renee looked up at her friend properly. She could see Bree's tearstained cheeks and how she was slouching rather than standing up straight like she normally would. And as much as she didn't want to admit to it, she wanted so badly to go on her date so she decided to leave it for now.

"Have fun." Bree said quietly.

"Thanks, I will!" Renee said. "Have a nice night, Bree. Be safe." Renee said as she left Bree's home. As soon as the door closed, Bree sat down on the step behind her and placed her head in her hands. _What am I doing? I can't keep doing this._ Bree thought to herself.


	6. Chapter 6

Sorry for the longer gap than usual in my updating, I just had to wait until I could figure out where to go with this - and with writing this chapter, I know exactly where I'm going with it, _yay!_ Well, actually not yay for Bree but yay for the story.

So this has a certain part at the end which I added in because it's helping me not do the things that Bree does, especially right now. And the whole christian guilt thing is something I am too struggling with right now, so on that front it's probably all going to be my struggle just portrayed by Bree in this fic - if that makes any sense ahah.

But for now, please enjoy this chapter!

Leave a review!

* * *

For the next week, Bree kept to herself. She kept busy around the house but was too scared that she'd have a panic attack in public and become the mess she became at Lynette's the other night in front of many people, which of course made her begin to feel anxious when she thought about it. She knew she'd have to go out soon because she barely had any food left in the house, but she was putting it off for as long as possible. She's made up an excuse not to go to poker at Lynette's and to miss a dinner at Gaby's but she frequently worried that they'd begin to get suspicious as to why she hadn't been out for a while.

She had had 2 panic attacks during the past week. They had scared the life out of her but she realised that she was not dying nor needing medical attention so she worked through it on her own, barely. She had no idea what had brought them on, she just knew that they terrified her.

* * *

She was now sitting curled up tightly in her armchair just thinking. Then suddenly the phone rang. She jumped ever so slightly as the sudden noise shocked her as it rang through the otherwise silent house. She rose to her feet slowly and retrieved the phone from the stand.

"Van de Kamp residence." She answered.

" _Hey, mom."_

"Andrew!" Bree said.

" _I'm holding a dinner party tomorrow evening and I was just wondering if you'd like to come?"_ Bree thought for a second. She so dearly wanted to attend but she was petrified that she'd have a panic attack in front of the guests and her own son.

"I… I'd love to, except I've already said I'd attend some business meeting across town tomorrow evening…" Bree lied.

" _Oh that's a shame."_

"Andrew, just wondering, are you going to the supermarket then? You know because you're throwing a dinner party." Bree asked, thinking that spending a few minutes in her son's company would be better than spending an hour in a supermarket.

" _Yeah, I was actually just about to go, why?"_

"Oh, could you possibly pick up my shopping too? I'll give you the money of course. It's just I have so much that needs doing here…" Bree lied, again.

" _Yeah, sure. Have you got a list?"_

"Yes, could you swing by and pick it up?"

" _Or you could just bring it over, I live 50 ft from you."_

"Right…" Bree said, there was no way she could ask him to come over again without him thinking something was wrong. "I'll be there in a minute then." She hung up the phone with an increasingly shaky hand. _It's a 50 ft walk._ Bree thought to herself. _You'll be fine._ She retrieved her shopping list from the kitchen worktop and left her house.

* * *

She fiddled with the piece of paper in her hands as she made her way over to Andrew's house across the street. She knocked on his door and pushed it open when she heard Andrew call 'it's open' from inside. Bree found Andrew in his living room.

"Here you go." Bree said, stretching out her hand and handing Andrew her shopping list. Andrew took it and put it beside him.

"I'll bring it round after I've been." He said, looking up at Bree. It only took one glance, but Andrew saw just how almost _fragile_ his mother looked. She was a lot skinnier than she was when he last saw her, she also looked tense and worried. "Mom, are you okay?" He asked suddenly. The question caught Bree off guard.

"Yeah, I'm great. Why'd you ask?" Bree replied.

"Just, you don't look to great, and you're getting me to do your shopping for you and that's not like you." Andrew said.

"Well, I'm fine." Bree said gently. "Well, I must be going. Thanks again." Bree said as she turned for the door.

"Bye, mom." Andrew said.

* * *

Later that afternoon after Andrew had brought her shopping round, Bree was once again sat in her armchair just thinking when yet again, her phone rang. She traipsed over to the handset _again_ and picked it up, _again._

" _Hey, Bree!"_

"Susan…" Bree said, Susan's tone was too chirpy for her at this time.

" _Now, I know you're free tonight, so you're coming out for dinner with me and the girls at this fancy new place Gaby's been going on about for weeks. And you're not allowed to say no."_

"I…" Bree paused, trying to think of a way to get out of it. "I'm sorry, I just have so much to do." Bree said.

" _You've had so much to do for the past week. You're coming. If you're lying which I think you are, then come and enjoy some time with us, if you're not, then the break would do you good anyway."_

"Rea-"

" _Nope! You're coming. I'll pick you up at 7. Love you, Bree."_

"You too…" And with that, Bree hung up and placed the phone back on the stand. _Oh why did I have to answer._ She thought to herself.

* * *

It was now 6:15 P.M. and Bree still hasn't moved from her position on her arm chair. She glanced over at the clock and realised what the time was. _I guess I really should get ready…_ She thought to herself. She arose from her position and climbed the stairs to her bedroom. After scouring the wardrobe, she pulled out a simple but feminine and smart pant suit as she needed something that'd cover her arms. She had a quick shower, avoiding getting her hair wet because it'd take too long to dry and then got dressed. Once dressed, she proceeded to do her makeup. Simple, but enough to cover her swollen eyes caused by random bouts of crying. She glanced at her watch: _18:53._ She quickly gathered her purse, and in it put her phone, purse, basic makeup kit and her spare razor in case of dire emergency. Upon leaving, she checked her makeup one last time and grabbed her jacket.

* * *

She slowly made her way across the road to Susan's. She was already beginning to feel anxious and they weren't even off of Wisteria Lane yet. _Great._ She thought.

"Hey Bree!" Susan yelled, pulling Bree out of her thoughts.

"Hey Susan." She replied, waving.

"I'll be right there! Just gotta grab my purse." Susan yelled as she went back into her house. Bree waited by Susan's car. After about 30 seconds Susan reemerged. "Sorry about that…" Susan apologised. Just as she finished the last word she tripped and fell off of the step but just managed to keep her footing. Bree couldn't help but laugh slightly.

"Can't take you anywhere." She said jokingly.

" _Ha ha._ I'm getting better at not tripping over thin air!" Susan protested, but it didn't take more than a second for her to begin laughing too.

"Are the others meeting us there?" Bree asked as they both climbed into Susan's car.

"Yep. They were both in town today, otherwise I'd have given them a lift too." Susan said. There was a brief silence between the two women.

"So," Bree began, "where are we going?"

"To be perfectly honest, I'm not too sure what it's called, Gaby did tell me but well, I forgot but it's at this address." Susan said, pointing at a piece of paper on the dashboard. Bree read it quickly.

"Oh, that's not too far from here." Bree said.

"You know where that is?" Susan asked.

"Yeah, it's about a 20 minute walk away." Bree replied.

"Good, you can direct me. I'm no good with a satnav." They both laughed. "Let's go."

* * *

"Lynette, Gaby!" Susan yelled across the parking lot. The two other women waved back and all 4 of them walked towards each other.

"Susan! You recovered Bree from hibernation!" Gaby said, laughing. They all laughed, including Bree.

"Well I've been really busy." Bree said, laughing.

"Come on," Lynette began, "let's go eat, I'm starving!" The four women made their way inside and got seated at their table.

* * *

"Would having caviar be too much?" Gaby asked, looking at the menu.

"Only if you wanted to be a size 2 rather than a 0." Lynette joked.

"Caviar would be fine, maybe I'll have it too." Susan said.

"What are you having, Bree?" Gaby asked. Bree herself was wondering that, she was already beginning to feel a bit anxious so her appetite was rapidly decreasing.

"I… I think I might just have a salad." She said.

"Oh come on! Have something more!" Gaby said. Susan and Lynette laughed at Gaby's outburst. "What?"

"Nothing." Lynette said, holding her hands up. They all laughed.

"What are you two having?" Gaby asked Lynette and Susan. They both scanned through their menus.

"Mmm," Lynette began, "the house burger looks nice."

"So does the fish…" Susan added. Both laughed. Just as they had all picked out what they wanted, the waiter came over.

"Are you ready to order?" He asked, pulling out his notepad and pen.

"Yep!" Gaby answered for them all. "I'll have the caviar, please."

"May I have your house burger?" Lynette asked. The waiter nodded as he took down her order.

"The moules, please." Susan said.

"Sure." The waiter said. "Small, medium or large?"

"Medium, please. Thanks."

"And I'll just have the basil green salad, please." Bree said.

"And drinks?" The waiter asked.

"Red wine, please." Lynette said.

"White wine, please." Susan asked.

"Make that two white wines." Gaby said. Bree had suddenly become extremely anxious. She had begun rubbing her hands up and down her trousers to try and distract herself, but it wasn't working. Her heart rate was speeding up and she began to panic over the outcome of this situation.

"Bree?" Susan said as she nudged her gently. Bree looked up and then realised the waiter was looking at her.

"And you, miss?" He asked. "What would you like to drink?"

"I'll, um have just a glass of water, please." Bree said. The waiter smiled and nodded as he walked away to go and give their order to the chefs. Susan, Lynette and Gaby began talking but Bree remained silent. She was too distracted by the overwhelming feeling that she was going to have a panic attack and completely break down in the middle of this really posh restaurant. Her heart rate kept rising as she continued to think about it. Her palms were now really sweaty and she was beginning to hyperventilate.

"Bree, are you alright?" Susan asked, noticing Bree's current state.

"You'll, um…" Bree tried to get out. Tears formed in her eyes quickly and made their way down her cheeks. She wiped them away hastily. "You'll have to… Excuse me." She immediately got up from her seat and practically ran out of the restaurant. The three remaining women looked at each other with concern and confusion consuming their eyes. Lynette got up and followed Bree out. She suspected it could be a panic attack after that night when she had one on her couch. Gaby and Susan watched as she left. Gaby turned to Susan and said,

"Wow, she _really_ needs to see a shrink." Susan looked at her as if saying; _Really? Not the time._

"What?" Gaby said.

* * *

Lynette emerged from the restaurant's doors and looked around for Bree. It didn't take long, she heard the sounds of hysterical crying coming from around the corner. She looked around it and saw Bree sitting on a bench. She had her elbows placed on her knees and her head was hung low, shielded from view. She went and sat down next to her. She rubbed soothing circles on her back and tried to slow her breathing down. Bree soon realised that Lynette was beside her but didn't look up.

"I… I just… I can't… I can't do this Lynette… I can't be… There… It's too much… And I ca… can't do it." Bree got out in between hysterical breaths.

"Sshhh…" Lynette soothed. "You're okay. It's all going to be okay."

After about a minute Bree began to calm back down again. Bree lifted her head slightly but didn't look at Lynette.

"I'm sorry." She said.

"You have nothing to be sorry for." Lynette said. There was a brief silence before Lynette spoke again. "Since, you know, when you were at mine that night, have you had many more of these?"

"A couple. I ended up in the E.R. one night because I thought I was having a heart attack." Bree said, laughing slightly. "It's why I haven't left my home for so long, I'm just too scared that I'll have one in public and make a complete fool out of myself, kinda like now." Bree admitted, still not looking at Lynette.

"It's gonna take time." Lynette said. "You'll need to figure out what - if anything - triggers them, what makes them better, or worse and how to manage them. And you can't expect that to happen overnight." Bree chuckled softly.

"I guess you're right."

"Now," Lynette began, "I don't know about you, but I'm starving and I'm looking forward to that meal that's gonna be coming soon." They both laughed.

"All right, let's go." Bree said. "Gosh, I'm so glad I wore waterproof mascara tonight." They both laughed, again. Lynette wiped a stray tear from Bree's cheek as they walked arm in arm back inside.

* * *

"There you two are!" Gaby exclaimed as the two women returned to the table.

"Bree, are you alright?" Susan asked. Bree looked over at Lynette and smiled thankfully.

"I am for now."

* * *

That night, after the mostly good dinner with the girls, Bree returned home. She slid off her heels and threw her bag down on the side. Luckily it had been just as she'd left Susan, but she'd begun to feel the urge to cut and was already feeling quite emotional. As much as she wanted herself to ignore the urge and not do it, she couldn't. So she made her way upstairs and into her bathroom. She pulled out her black towel and her razor blade. She took off her beige blazer, her trousers and her shirt, leaving her in just the vest she'd worn because it wasn't the warmest night and her bra and panties. She looked at herself in the mirror above her sink. All up and down both of her arms were hundreds of cuts and even more scars. And her thighs were also covered in cuts. Barely any scars though as she hadn't been cutting there for that long. A lonesome tear made its way down her cheek as she relived the many times she'd made those marks. She shook her head and wiped away the tear. She picked up her razor blade and made quite a few deep cuts on her right arm. The blood began flowing right away and soon enough it had made it's way around her arm and dripped onto the floor. Bree laughed at the occurrence. She knew that the cuts she had just made - even though just about 3cm in length would leave pretty big scars due to how deep she'd made them. She picked up her black towel and held it tightly to her arm. Her arm throbbed with pain from the cuts, but she just took it as her punishment. Her punishment for feeling the way she did and for dragging her friends down into the deep, dark 'pit' she'd created for herself out of misery. Bree knew it'd possibly be all night before her new cuts stopped bleeding completely, so she took out a bandage from her drawer and tied that around her cuts. It was a procedure she had become accustomed to. The first time she cut that deep she spent the entire night panicking but refused to go to hospital in fear that they'd commit her. But after that she realised that 99/100 cuts could be treated without medical attention and learnt how to apply the appropriate amount of pressure with a bandage to stem the bleeding but not cut off blood flow. As she finished securing the bandage to her arm, she decided that that was enough for tonight and packed away her things.

* * *

She made her way into her bedroom shortly after and put on her pyjamas and climbed into bed. Her arm had stopped hurting as much which she was relieved by because she knew that her bandage was going to be enough, but that didn't stop her from feeling the deep, spiritual guilt over her actions. She knew that everything she was doing to herself was a sin, was a sinful way of thinking. But at the same time she wondered to herself why God would allow her to feel the way she did if he really did care for her, so that made her feel a little less guilty. And, as usual, she decided she would deal with her guilt tomorrow. And with that final thought, she fell asleep.


End file.
